Anais Nin 札記

Anais Nin 是我在看 Sagan 的時候， TM 介紹給我的。他同時講起兩個法國女作家，但是另一個，我倆都忘了！（不要懶醒，不是 Duras ）

Anais Nin 在四十年代跟猥瑣佬 Henry Miller （係，我擺明吾鍾意佢！我和老爹研究過哪個男演員可勝任——《情迷六月花》那個不行，後來我想到 Féodor Atkine）一齊寫色情小說賺錢，那批小說在她逝世後才結集出版，其中 Delta of Venus 比較出名，也改編過電影，慕名的人可能多看這本，其實它不及 Little Birds 好看。

Delta of Venus 頗無章法，將聽來的故事東拼西湊，還有點重覆，一切在預計之中，因此情境也不特別散發肉慾芳香（ sensual —又一個難譯的字） ，有點似《艾曼妞》一類，無端端就「來」了。這當然跟米飯班主要求「總之只要色情，其他無關緊要，尤其不要詩意」有關。

相反， Little Birds 的大部份故事都短小精悍，通常是日常的處境，不尋常的邂逅，佈局上有心思得多，亦變化無窮，每一篇都有意外驚起，她亦著意探究慾念被燃起的奧妙（ the mystery of being sexually aroused - at least for certain people ）；我相信 Delta of Venus 是聽來的故事多， Little Birds 裏則有更多她個人的想像和創造——甚至切身經歷， who knows?

Anais Nin 寫色情小説，注重的是 situation 與 sensuality ，是風雨前夕的山雨欲來。她很少花筆墨直接寫性愛場面（這是男作家與女作家的分別嗎？），也不多花巧形容詞，往往是想像凌架一切。她的不寫之寫最好看，例如寫一個女子被另一子撥弄得神魂交顫，頻頻低呼：What have you done...what have you done...

早前讀 Henry and June ，忽然覺得《小團圓》委實小兒科。我不單——其實不是——說性愛場面；張愛玲不是生錯了時代而是生了錯地點，她筆下的性關係（不止在《小團圓》）都緊張、焦慮、抑鬱，直接要跟談婚論嫁連上關係：在《紅玫瑰白玫瑰》裏，嬌蕊跟振保上過床之後，就想與他廝守；《半生緣》裡，曼楨嫁給鴻才的理由，只是因為被他強姦了，相信很多讀者（包括我）都大惑不解，但張似乎認為理所當然——她對性的看法，其實很遠古。

Anais Nin 面對的處境其實比張愛玲更加病態、絕望、淫亂，但這位深受拉丁、法國文化洗禮的女人，會得完全將自身開放予肉體歡愉，也會得投身予自虐、單向、自甘卑屈的愛。 Anais Nin 絕對比張愛玲愛得更卑微更「淒慘」，但正因為她對愛情的自主，對肉體歡愉的熱愛、開放與義無反顧，更重要的是對人性的放任（這一點與莎岡很相似），對感情的慷慨， Henry and June 雖然沉重，卻又充滿自由、奔放、性感的氣息。這是張愛玲的性格所不能達致的，其實，她是丁點的卑微都接受不了，因此無限放大自己的卑微。

"Who's is the liar? Who the human being? Who is the cleverest? Who the strongest? Who is the least selfish? The most devoted? Or are all these elements mixed in each of us? I feel most human because my anxiety is protective, towards both of them."

- Anais Nin, The Diary of Anais Nin, Vol 1

三島由紀夫《獸之戲》

「幸二在拘留所時也好幾次想起這一瞬間的發現。螺絲鉗不是偶然地被遺落在這裡的，而是突然向這個世界顯現的一個物象。這把螺絲鉗應該掉在草坪和水泥車道的交界線上，或者是半埋在草皮裡比較自然。可是，眼前這把螺絲鉗卻好像挾著甚麼陰謀似的演著一場騙局，它也許是一種無法言喻的物質假借螺絲鉗的形體出現在這兒。那必定是一種不應該存在於此處的物質，為了徹底推翻這個世界原有的秩序而突然出現的物質，一種純粹中的純粹物質......化身成螺絲鉗。」

—三島由紀夫《獸之戲》

在北角意外找到這本書，好在有買！夠變態，亦夠紮質。丈夫為妻子從不嫉妒而抑鬱，學徒單是聽述便愛上妻子，妻子知道丈夫有情婦但極力掩飾，一方面引誘學徒......但是後來情感爆發。電影版由若尾文子主演：「在那紅潤、專心一意的臉上浮現出一種放蕩的喜悅。幸二窺見優子完全陶醉在這種屈從的、優越的、單純的工作中，她似乎很安詳、很舒暢。幸二好像看到她靈魂淫蕩的臥姿。」

「和尚撐開一張大網捕魚。但是，多年來卻捕不到一條靈魂之魚。當優子初到此地拜訪和尚時，相信他已從這個面貌美麗的城市女子身上，嗅到他盼望已久的味道。那是一種苦惱的香味，嗅覺敏銳的人馬上就能分辨出來，不過，也許連優子對自己這種味道都渾然不覺呢！

而今又來了一位誠懇勤快卻經常低垂著頭的年輕人。他又聞到了相同的味道，很香很香的味道。」

Gmail-Chat my Dad

昨晚用 gmail 交稿見到老爹 online ，於是 gmail chat 他，懶醒話：「 OK, I know you are not familiar with this, but I am telling you I caught you here! 」

誰知原來他都有同他的同輩玩喎。

我告訴他我的 online chat 佻皮事，他先是：「 hmmmmm 」

我再講多一點，答曰：「 more hmmmmmm 」

可能因為第一次同老爹 gmail-chat ，覺得他的語法特可愛——不似大部份人直接是「對話」。而且，他好似忽然變了個小説人物， cute 爆。

男人！

我老爹發現我最近看 Anais Nin ：「啊，你係地鐵睇，咪好寸？」

我：「車，D 人都唔知係乜啦。」

老爹摩挲兩掌：「呵呵，拿住本 Anais Nin 的女仔，我會好想......」

我：「係囉，吸引過拿住本 Proust 呀可？」

老爹（覺得我深得佢心）：「梗係啦！ Proust 係悶皇黎嘛！」

果然係一個男人......He probably doesn't know that Anais was a great fan of Proust's, and she once said, "...Myself is like the self of Proust, it's merely an instrument to connect life and the myth."

聽日問下 TM 先......

拒絕，拒絕，和拒絕

早前電影資料館辦「川喜多夫人紀念展」，提到川喜多夫人選片甚具眼光，1933年蜜月旅行時看中一部並不出名的 Mädchen in Uniform (《穿制服的女孩》，1931），川喜多長政當年仍未知道夫人眼光獨到，只是作為新婚禮物買給妻子，即是， tum 下老婆啦。結果這部片大受日本觀眾歡迎，並榮登1934年《電影旬報》最佳外語片。

單是片名已經叫人充滿暇想－－不必猜了，正正是一部女同片：修女學校師生戀（不知長政是否察覺？）。《穿制服的女孩》也不是真的「不出名」，莫説它曾是納粹禁片， Anais Nin 就曾在 Henry and June 裡多次提及：

"She (June) compared me to the teacher in Mädchen in Uniform, and herself to the worshipful girl Manuela. The teacher had beautiful eyes, full of pity, but she was strong. Why does June want to think me strong and herself a passionate child beloved by the teacher?"

(M's remark: Apparently, June was being more manipulative and infiltrating than sincere by saying that to Anais)

Youtube 上找到的片段充滿眷戀、挑逗意味， very suggestive of a (erotic) affection ，從今日的尺度看依然大膽－－不過今日的同志片，已經不需要拍得這麼吞吞吐吐、意在言外了。

1958年的重拍版同樣吸引，因為女學生不是別人，是青春無敵的，a little-birdy-like 羅美雪妮黛（ Romy Schneider ）！

「她無限地誘導、無限地拒絕......」
－三島由紀夫《春雪》

《穿制服的女孩》觸及雙重禁忌：同性戀與師生戀－－雖然從影片看來，這樣的情況在當年應該極其普遍，甚至比現在更普遍。但影片最崇高（我不得不用「崇高」）的魅力來自病態的壓抑，伴隨壓抑而來的（潛意識之）罪惡快感；自虐式的拒絕之快感，及被拒絕之快感（維基上說本片是女同界的 cult 經典， cult 的原因應該在此）－－在整部影片裡，女教師不停對女學生訓示、強調她的權威、然後又保持距離地表示關懷，而每當女學生進一步示愛，她即拒之於千里，訓之以「不可以，不可以」，由是重覆以重覆，自我放大「我們之間不可能」的壓力。假如女學生和女教師沒有這種被制度禁斷、被社會拒絕的徨惑，她們（尤其是女學生）的感情會否如此強烈，逼切，瀕近絕望？拒絕便是挑逗：女學生的不能跟女教師坦然親熱是快感，老師的無止境拒絕也是快感。她們的神魂交顫（ ecstasy ），其實來自彼此間不停的拒絕，拒絕，和拒絕。

Anais Nin's Ambivalence

"I love her for what she has dared to be, for her hardness, her cruelty, her egoism, her perverseness, her demoniac destructiveness. She would crush me to ashes without hesitation. She is a personality created to the limit. I worship her courage to hurt, and I am willing to be sacrificed to it. She will add the sum of me to her. She will be June plus all that I contain."

......

The first thing June and Henry would do would be to initiate us into poverty, starvation, drabness just to share their sufferings. That is the weakest way of enjoying life: to let it whip you. By conquering misery we are creating a future independence of being such as they will never know.... darling, we will know a freedom they have never known. I'm a bit sick of this Russian wallowing in pain. Pain is something to master, not to wallow in."

- Anais Nin, Henry and June

It is only with Tim, and Tim's love, and my love for Tim, that I can appreciate this book (which reminds me so much of me a me in a phase that is already past) to the full extent - and also with sober detachment, be it Anais' destructive, if also poetic, obsession with June; or her soberness in seeing that as wrong and putrid.

And what is so precious about Henry and June is that June was never portrayed as a bitch, despite apparently being one. There is no bitterness, no hatred. June was depicted - romanticized, idolized and idealized with such passion, and she was indulged, spoilt and lavished with love. Which reveals that the true precense here is not June, it is Anais' truthfulness, genuineness, innocence and selflessness, and Anais as a person who is full of feelings, compassions and sentimentality.

The Queen of Whore

Further to my discussion on Wakao Ayako's screen image in 若尾文子的佛性與魔性 in the light of a Mishima Yukio quote, I have found yet another quotation by Anais Nin conveying a very similar concept, the concept of the "Queen of whore":

"The only woman who ever gave me the same pleasure was a woman who was incapable of falling in love, who gave herself like a whore, who despised the men she gave herself to. This woman had been a whore and was colder than a statue."

- Anais Nin, "The Queen", in Little Birds

(again I am really excited and thankful that I can appreciate Anais' perverse and frantic writings/obsessions with total detachment)