盡得風流

黃小姐的《夢餘說夢》，去年回香港就已買下了，但到最近幾天才拿出來讀。

裡面的文章，有好些是已讀過了，因為從前在香港時有追讀黃小姐文章的習慣，大部份她在信部上的文章，都有剪報收藏，那些剪報好好存在一個文件夾裡，如今仍在香港家中。

當年有幸與黃小姐在同一個機構工作，雖然不是直屬於她，但黃小姐也很樂意跟我們這些小人物交往。一開始是戰戰兢兢的，熟絡了以後斗膽跟她談起電影來，還談到很多人生的問題。最記得有一陣子為了一件事想不開，黃小姐特請我吃晚飯，飯後駕車順道送我回家，車上放著小津電影的配樂，悠悠然是輕快的，又有一抹莫明的傷感，但到底是開闊的，那晚我們談了甚麼已經不大記得了，但清清楚楚記得那就是像小津般的開闊；既然傷心與煩惱是免不過的，那麼就接受它為人生的一部份，但不要忘記人生還有其他的甘味。假如沒有那一晚，我對小津的理解不會有那麼深刻，也不會對小津境界那麼心折。後來我也把那一套 CD 買下了。

至於那件事，後來反反覆覆也有再跟黃小姐說起，那時覺得是天大，現在看來也不過是一件事了。

今早在巴士讀著本書，第一部有好幾篇文章是在2002-2008年間寫的，就是我們一同工作的日子，重讀起來感覺猶新。翻到寫 Chris Marker 及塔可夫斯基（Andrei Tarkovsky）的一章，忽然間各種回憶湧上心頭，淚水不自覺流個不停，我得把書合上，簡直不能集中了。

那是一種很強大的感覺，老土說一句，實在難而形容。但我彷佛首次明白普魯斯特吃馬德蓮餅、或在石板路上踏空了一步那種感覺。強大，不單是因為回憶與感覺一時浮現心頭，而是因為它們在你毫不預料、毫無準備之下襲來，而且那不是一種很實在的，說得出所以言的感覺，而是一種 encompassing 的感覺，因此，它又更像是波赫士（Jorge Borges）The Aleph 小說主人公目睹阿萊夫的感覺：

"...I saw the populous sea; I saw the twilight and the evening; I saw the crowds of the Americas; I saw a silver spiderweb at the center of a black pyramid; I saw a broken labyrinth (it was in London); I saw innumerable, immediate eyes looking at me as into a mirror; I saw all the mirrors on the planet, none of them bearing my reflection; I saw a backyard on Soler Street with the same tiles I had seen thirty years before on the hallway of a house in Fray Bentos; I saw clusters of grapes, tobacco, mineral veins, and water vapor; I saw convex equatorial deserts and each one of its sand grains; a saw in Inverness a woman I will never forget; I saw her wild, wavy hair and haughty countenance; I saw cancer growing inside a breast; I saw on a sidewalk a circle of dry soil where once stood a tree; I saw a country house in Adrogué and a copy of the first English version of Pliny by Philemon Holland; I saw at the same time each letter on each one of its pages (as a boy I marveled that the letters in a closed volume would not get scrambled or lost during the night); I saw night and day contemporaneously; I saw a sunset in Querétaro that seemed to reflect the color of a rose in Bengal; I saw my empty bedroom; I saw in a cabinet in Alkmaar a globe multiplied endlessly between two mirrors; I saw horses with twirling manes on a beach by the Caspian Sea at dawn; I saw the delicate bones in a hand; I saw the survivors of a battle sending postcards; I saw a Spanish deck of cards on a shop window in Mirzapur; I saw the oblique shadows cast by ferns on the floor of a greenhouse; I saw tigers, pistons, bison, heavy seas, and armies; I saw all the ants on the surface of the earth; I saw a Persian astrolabe; I saw in a desk drawer (the handwriting made me shudder) obscene, incredible, precise letters from Beatriz to Carlos Argentino; I saw a beloved monument in Chacarita; I saw the ghastly relic of what, deliciously, had once been Beatriz Viterbo; I saw the circulation of my dark bloodstream; I saw the workings of love and the decay from death; I saw the Aleph from all points; I saw the earth on the Aleph and the Aleph on the earth and yet again the earth on the Aleph; I saw my face and my insides; I saw your face and I had vertigo and I cried, because my eyes had seen the secret and conjectural object whose name men usurp, but no one has ever seen: the inconceivable universe."

是想起了當時在那個機構的種種，想起黃小姐給予我還有其他人的 inspiration ，我想，也夾雜了一點現在的鬱結。現在工作中有點小麻煩，對手是個苦心經營政治手段的人，職位比我低，也不是全職員工，但無時無刻不在爭取機會表現自己，刻意做一些份外的事；我見了她就頭痛，你要不跟她鬥，她也不肯放過你。唉，我自問處理這種問題的技巧是負分－－我前半生也算是幸運，從來沒遇到過這樣的人。因不免也想起當年工作上最緊密的同事，這個同事百分百能幹，有主意，而且我毫無保留的信任（可以說，我幾乎是依賴她的），假如現在能夠向她「請教」就好了，不過這也是不可能的了。在合拍的時候，可以說我們是很合拍的，合作過的「計劃」簡直數不清。我想我這一生也不可能再在工作上遇到一個這樣的同事，一個性格合宜、比我能幹、有心計（！），但不會用心計算計我的同事。

最近為工作看多了 Screen Daily / Hollywood Reporter / Variety 那些專為業內人寫的影評，想法漸漸傾向了那一路，自己也覺得自己語言無味起來（當然，那些影評有它們的作用），幸好及時撿起了黃小姐的書。早前黃小姐在她編的《今天》雜誌談《一代宗師》，說王家衛是「風流人說風流夢」，我說黃小姐的文章也是盡得風流，不徐不疾的由電影談到愛情、藝術、悲喜的人生，這才是影評的最高境界，令人神往。再憂鬱也好，讀這書也就是開了一扇窗，令我不致忘記，人生還有很多很多其他的東西，可以令人有 spiritual 的安寧，與快樂。

Les Biches - JLT - 對話摘錄

 Jean-Louis Trintignant 熱潮繼續，今天下午重溫查布洛（Claude Chabrol）的 Les Biches 。呀哈，記得從前經朋友介紹在 youtube 上看完全片，看來看去都覺得是自己的故事，事隔多年別有一番滋味，依然深深覺得那 Frédérique 是某人寫照，JLT 只是行行企企......  

Les Biches 很是一個時代一個階級的寫照（但不是「批判」，因為沒有甚麼好批判的，到底不過是人之本性），對人與人之間（不限於女人，雖然女人之間比較複雜，也更深不可測，看 why 與兩個 jester 對 Frédérique 搭上 Paul 的不同反應，便可知一二）支配、依存、嫉妒的關係看得很銳利。

它其實是非劇情的，是 an expression of (a social) sensibility 。最有趣的隱喻，是 why （及 jesters ）代表的藝術家，對比 Frédérique 代表的中產階級：藝術家希望向中產階級靠攏（在 jesters 的例子是獻媚了），是既艷羨又嫉妒；中產階級樂於收藏藝術，不為欣賞或喜好，卻主要為娛樂自己，所以 Les Biches 不是（至小不止是）刻劃畸型三角關係，卻是社會畸型現象的縮影。why 看似是較被剝削的一方，其實各打五十， 而兩者之間更匪夷所思的，我認為是為求偽裝成 Frédérique 完全放棄個人身份的這個 why 。警世呀。

Tim 經過問我在看甚麼，我停下來給他看一個 JLT 特寫。

Tim （rolls his eyes 無我咁好氣）: You are obsessed.

Me: Yes!

Tim: How come, he wasn't acting, he wasn't doing anything (in The Great Silence)!!

Me: Yes that's exactly why I like him, I like that he looked like he didn't want to be there (in The Great Silence) at all. He is the antithesis of a Western hero!

Tim: You are full of it.

Me: Full of what?

Tim: Full of Shit.

Me: Why?

Tim: 'coz you are making something out of nothing.

哈，他開始知道我的邏緝了！

閑人如吾兩人

轉引自友人微博：

「元豐六年十月十二日，夜，解衣欲睡，月色入戶，欣然起行。念無與為樂者，遂至承天寺，尋張懷民。懷民亦未寢，相與步於中庭。庭下如積水空明，水中藻、荇交橫，蓋竹柏影也。何夜無月？何處無竹柏？但少閑人如吾兩人者耳。」

蘇東坡 〈記承天寺夜遊〉（短文合102字，是東坡的微博乎？）

舊時是有個朋友是這般交情，為她也（在此博客）著墨不少。不過更好的交情也不一定要長久的，落葉聚還散。有時也會想起她，想到如有她在，多好。但也並不惋惜，想想就好。

我的微博是 @makuranososhi ，不多發，但比這裡更隨意（或隨便？）

The Art of Being Totally Pointless

某日與咪某人吃飯，踫見黃小姐，黃小姐好興奮地説：「吖，我看了部戲很似你們兩個！」接着説了一堆法文，我目瞪口呆。

後來黃小姐把那部戲借了給我，是利維特的 Celine and Julie Go Boating 。看完之後就更加的目瞪口呆了，是為： The art of being totally pointless!

我地真係煩

（呢個真係要中文喎）

男下屬上來交帶事情，我指指隔離個空位：「佢今日生日喎。」

男：「知。我會發短信給她的啦。哈哈...」退下。

退到一半返轉頭：「你地真係煩！你生日佢又叫我發短信比你，佢生日你又叫我發短信比佢！」

褒曼與安東尼奧尼

1.　原來《秋日奏鳴曲》，就是我（曾經）想對你講的一切。但，那也已經不再重要了。真的不再重要了。

2.　現在想對你說的，大抵是《哭泣與低語》裡， Erland Josephson 對 Liv Ullman 講的一番話。但也不是真的想說，只是，每一個字都是我想的呀！

3.　假如褒曼的魔力是以聲音和語言──不論是受折磨之肉身的喘息，還是痛苦的靈魂之沉吟──，解剖人的情感，以排山倒海的力量向我進逼；那麼安東尼奧尼的魅力則是以無以言傳，亦不必言傳的感性，捕捉人的失落，將我完全納入於他的影像中。

4.　也就是說，假如褒曼（除卻《芬妮與阿歷山大》）不停教我思緒糾纏（絕對，絕對是 masochistic 的），則安東尼奧尼就讓我忘卻，把我帶進純粹屬於電影的境界。

5.　但那並不是說，我喜歡安東尼奧尼比褒曼多。

6.　A 問我迷上於蒙妮卡維蒂的甚麼，我一時語無倫次，他以為甚至我自己也以為我想說的是飄忽──還好我仍然很清醒的馬上否認她似她。不不不，不是飄忽，她是脆弱、寂寞、哀傷。

噢，女皇大人。

嘉芙蓮丹露年歲漸長的風華與優雅莊重是這些年來一直見證著的，也就不是《聖誕物語》其中一個值得特別激賞的重點──儘管如此，平安夜看幼小們演話劇的那一幕，她老人家氣定神閑翹著腿獨佔一張長沙發，手臂攤在兩側，恍如一眾無形的諸神百官正膜拜腳下，眼色神情姿態無非在演譯一個字：MAJESTIC。不由得叫我輕呼了一句：「噢，女皇大人。」

真是要命。

..-. --- .-. -- -.-- --.- ..- . . -. ：（碰巧收到個電郵傳來一些 inspiration ，立時想起那一幕！）

La nuit d'Octobre

The dead sleep in peace in the womb of the earth.
Thus must my deadened feelings sleep.
These bones of my heart have also their dust:
Let us not lay hands on their sacred remains.

剛剛讀到 Proust 引這首詩。

有葛蘭又有尤敏

http://www.lcsd.gov.hk/CE/CulturalService/filmprog/promo/2009love/promo.html

「我需要你，實在比你需要我　更多……」說著，葛蘭情切切執著尤敏的手──看到這裡我不由得笑出了聲：剪 trailer 的同事非常之鬼馬，《星星‧月亮‧太陽》明明是男人栽進脂粉叢，卻偏偏挑上兩個女人坐在床緣互剖心曲的一幕，以該片如此政治正確，分明有心惹人胡思亂想，玩弄觀眾的 expectation 。興奮地與男同事研究此一神來之筆（是剪片同事的神來之筆，不是導演的神來之筆），男同事皺眉：「是『我需要你；時代比你需要我　更多』。」我更加的皺眉。男同事補充：「套片又戰亂，那女孩又參軍，不是『時代需要你』更合理嗎？」「不不，」我說：「合理是合理，但是『時代比你需要我　更多』語法有毛病，完全解不通啊！」最後沒有結論，可能大家都聽錯，是「讓愛」的對話才真吧，不過我就是喜歡 stick to 我的先入為主，就是認定剪片同事並非無心，嘿！

對我和男同事的爛 GAG 式討論，女皇懶得答話──無我地咁好氣。

她是──

她是盧馬的女孩，她是高達的女人，她是杜魯福的情人，她是增村保造的獵人，她是希治閣的美人，她是布紐爾的主人，她是──任是無情也動人。

Trailer 的學問

但凡初始的接觸，印像總是格外奇特深刻，一失神便視之為理想中的原型，永遠有一份 nostalgia 。小時候去藝術中心看電影，最紀得 curtain 張開， masking 移位的達達達達聲──從前在似懂非懂之間以為是菲林運轉聲；當然少不得長期贊助商愛瑪仕的廣告，雖然飄蕩的絲巾娘到讓人仰笑不止，但自此教我懂得 Hermès 最純正的發音；接著是──假如沒有記錯的話──一輯連用經年的 trailer ，片段早忘了，獨獨《天堂的孩子》（黃小姐喜歡叫它《天堂兒童》）裡女神般的嘉朗詩和膜拜在側的默劇藝人深印腦海，就一個鏡頭，無始無終，莫名奇妙，神秘而恍惚（心水清的你，馬上可以斷定我並不是甚麼資深影迷了）──有好長的一段時間，我錯認了那是《去年在馬倫巴》。座位是天下公認的不舒適，奇怪的是影迷依然甘之如飴，或許即如女皇所說，精神理應被銀幕上的影像所懾，渾然忘乎區區肉身的不適──想想看，真有點超現實。這些零碎的印像成為我看藝術電影的獨得記憶，今天無論在哪一間影院看經典，再舒適再安寧，只覺得是一種失落。這幾年電影節目辦事處的「大師經典」，又或是電影中心的「摩登經典」， trailer 片段豐富音樂跳脫，卻偏偏不再有那一份引君入夢的神秘感。謝天謝地，這種久違了的感覺，讓我在「光影玩轉腦電波」的 trailer 裡重新尋到，純淨的琴聲，一段段戛然而止欲說還休的片斷，不是大雜燴的串連拼貼，而是詩意的組合，其中的心思使人油然生起一種久遠的甜蜜的感動。

下篇‧壞孩子

是我不好，午飯時間與女皇一左一右脅持黃小姐談公事。黃小姐正展開一個嚴肅的話題，傍在她另一邊的女皇爆出一句：「我上洗手間。」閃一閃眼睛訕訕咧嘴笑，百分百惹人有遁逃不聽書的聯想──雖然不必她後來說明，我都百分百知道她完全是 spontaneous ，只是 timing 碰巧準了一點。逗得黃小姐把她一擁入懷，呵呵大笑，肉緊一個可愛的壞孩子。

夜行記

自從皇室添備汽車之後，晚飯我們會開車到太子、西環，和女皇在大坑的幾家飯堂──天氣和心情好的時候中午也去。坐店裡店外都是一片好天地，特別是露天的摺檯摺凳。每人點一個小菜，蒸肉餅炒排骨甚麼的，擺上三碗老火湯，一碟青菜，還有白飯；有些餐廳裡有電視，播著未曾追看也能馬上入戲的電視劇，男同事就有一搭沒一搭的看看。吃飯不為敘舊（因為每天也在敘），不為傾訴，不為談公事私事，就不過為坐下吃飯，在挾菜與進飯之間，箸匙勒勒交碰著碗碟，時間點滴消磨，與一家人開飯無異。

這段期間的茶餘飯後小插曲，多在泊車時發生。某夜女皇懷念從前住大坑常去的粥舖，著我陪駕。在不遠處拍戲的外景師傅大抵睇唔過眼這輛車來來回回都泊得不成樣子（而且車上是兩個望落兒嬉的女人），站在車前連連為我們打手勢。在指引下將就著泊好，下車時側聞另一貌似的士士機的大佬揚聲說：「我幾驚佢剷左上路邊呀！」昨夜到另一家皇室飯堂，隨意把車泊在路邊，酒酣飯飽之際警車駛至，閃著大燈廣播：「違例泊車的車輛，唔該馬上撤退！」語驚四座，女皇也成其中一隻驚弓小鳥，跳起來高呼：「係唔係會抄牌架？」鄰桌又有大佬抵唔住我地白痴：「你話呢？」

便一個箭步跑去救 Nancy 。路邊的的士卻早已散了。

Nancy 小像

佢個仔

她從來精明幹練，有時又如孩子般懵懂。常常兇我的女皇，充滿威嚴的女皇，解決難題狠辣如閃電的女皇，試玩新玩具時搖身一變為淘氣的膽小的孩子。自 Nancy 星期一落地以來，每天她總要去摸一摸「佢個仔」，帶他出去兜兜風。

(Poor) Nancy 第一天出師，還未出發只向後挪動兩米，便添兩度刮痕，女皇嚇得不敢再前進。第二天算是大有進步，沿鯉景灣繞翔三圈──雖然來來去去都是沒有車的 sim city 般的鯉。景。灣，而她明顯樂在其中。但是不對不對，怎麼車鈦好像拉扯著地面不願動，還發出怪聲？原來忘記拉手掣，有好大段路都是在 Break 住的情況下前進！走了三圈打道回府，擦身而過的的士司機朝我們拋下一句：「未開燈呀！」怪不得，我一直看錶板都黑漆漆的。泊車也擾攘了好一會，攔住行人路有五分鐘的光景，散步的伯伯要繞道而過。精彩的還在後頭：其實架車係鑑粗剷上壆位，打斜入到去先泊返正的！畢竟是 everything at her disposal 的女皇啊。負責做乘客（和隨時落車睇位的隨從）的我，從天窗仰望，驚覺這幾天的月亮又大又園，就如那晚我們三個人在尖東飲酒到夜半的月色。

Bonjour tristesse

"...for I am afraid that if I look at it closely, I shall revive memories that are too painful. Already I feel overwhelmed as I think of Anne's happy laugh, of her kindness to me. My conscience troubles me so much at those moments that I am obliged to resort to some expedient like lighting a cigarette, putting on a record, or telephoning to a friend. Then gradually I begin to think of something else. But I do not like having to take refuge in forgetfulness and frivolity instead of facing my memories and fighting them.

...

She straightened up, and I saw that her face was distorted; she was crying. Then I realized that I had attacked a living sensitive creature, not just an entity. She too must once have been a rather secretive little girl, then an adolescent, and after that a woman.... As for me, that poor miserable face was my work.

...

Only when I am in bed, at dawn, listening to the cars passing below in the streets of Paris, my memory betrays me: that summer returns to me with all its memories. Anne, Anne, I repeat over and over again softly in the darkness. Then something rises in me that I welcome by name, with closed eyes: Bonjour tristesse!"

Sagan, Bonjour Tristesse

－－她用了一種完全無腦的方法，去排解她那充滿 ambiguity ，或 contradiction ，的不快。無視了後果，只看見眼前。


To the one(s) that I love and unwittingly hurt...with remorse.

「美之讚歌」

波特萊爾的「美之讚歌」 ，我從英文翻譯過來。

你來自天堂，還是深淵，
美啊，你的目光既神性又可怕，
閃耀著惡念與仁慈，
因此世人將你比擬醇酒。

你的眼睛包含落日與辰光，
你如一場黃昏暴雨，散佈芬芳，
你的嘴是藥瓶，一吻催情，
使英雄怯懦，又叫孩童激昂。

你從海灣冒起，抑或降自星辰？
受惑的命運之神，如獵狗般奉獻殷勤，
任你隨意播種災禍與歡欣，
一切由你主宰，只莫指望施恩。

你在死人身上行走以嘲弄，
在你的首飾中，恐怖何其迷人，
兇殘則是你最珍愛的胸針，
在你驕矜的肚皮上淫靡起舞。

目迷的飛蛾撲向蠟燭，
在啪勒燃燒中呼喚：「願火炬有福！」
氣喘的情郎俯在愛人身上，
似彌留的人愛撫他的墳墓。

你來自天堂或地獄，又有何妨？
美啊，你這龐大，嚇人，率真的怪物，
只要你的眼神，你的笑容，你的步伐，
能引領我至從未踏足的永恆。

是上帝或魔鬼，精靈或海妖，又有何妨？
只要你柔滑的目光，發放
韻律，香氣，與光芒——我的女皇，
令宇宙從此生色，光陰不再死寂！

敏感

假如朋友訴苦：誰人眼神總似懷有敵意，某君說話句句帶刺；多半會將他籠統判斷為「太敏感」。某人被指天生敏感，則難免被對號入座為林黛玉的知音。但願我們的語言裡，還有一個詞與「敏感」共通，可以盛載它的另一重意思，不要讓它天生負著一陣陰霾，使我有時不敢稱讚別人「敏感」──有這樣一個人，從不會費心推敲其他人一言一笑背後有何深意，卻總知道身邊人腦海裡迂迴曲折的連翩浮想，五色感受，不必依靠任何蛛絲馬跡，就是心中明白，「解釋不來，但我知你會」。世上人的敏感原有兩種，一種是卑微的，自傷的；一種是知心的，靈性的。

The Mégélise way

女皇外遊， Société Particulière de la Reine 的（深宵） soirée 活動暫停， Duchesse de Polignac 乘空小休數天。連日花天酒地，無以為記（或不在此記）；倒是寧願抄書一段－－最近讀完的，一直想抄。如不嫌行貨，我想告訴你，再沒有別的文章，能如此優美而完全地說出我對某些往事的難以割捨，以及它們對我的深刻的影響－－尤其當別人無法理解我的快樂時。

So the Mégélise way and the Guermantes way remain for me linked to many of the little events of that life which, of all the various lives we lead concurrently, is the most abundant in vicissitudes, the richest in episodes, I mean our intellectual life. No doubt it progresses within us imperceptibly, and the truths that have changed its meaning and its appearance for us, that have opened new paths to us, we had been preparing to discover for a long time; but we did so without knowing it; and for us they date only from the day, from the minute in which they became visible. The flowers that played on the grass then, the water that flowed past in the sunlight, the whole landscape that surrounded their appearance continues to accompany the memory of them with its unconscious or abstracted face; and certainly when they were slowly studied by that humble passerby, that child dreaming - as a king is studied by a memorialist lost in the crowd - that corner of nature, that bit of garden could not have believed it would be thanks to him that they would be elected to survive in all their most ephemeral details; and yet the fragrance of hawthorn that for ages along the hedge where the sweetbriers will soon replace it, a sound of echoless steps on the gravel of a path, a bubble formed against a water plant by the current of the stream and bursting immediately - my exaltation has borne them along with it and managed to carry them across so many years in succession, while the paths round about have disappeared and those who walked on them have died, and the memory of those who walked on them. At times the piece of landscape thus transported into the present detaches itself in such isolation from everything else that it floats uncertain in my mind like a flowery Delos, while I cannot say from which country, which time - perhaps quite simply which dream - it comes. But it is most especially as deep layers of my mental soil, as the firm ground on which I still stand, that I must think of the Mégélise way and the Guermantes way. It is because I believed in things and in people while I walked along them, that the things and people they revealed to me are the only ones that I still take seriously today and that still bring me joy. Whether it is that the faith which creates has dried up in me, or that reality takes shape in memory alone, the flowers I am shown today for the first time do not seem to me to be real flowers. The Mégélise way with its lilacs, its hawthorns, its cornflowers, its poppies, its apple trees, the Guermantes way with its river full of tadpoles, its water lilies and buttercups, formed for me for all time the contours of the countryside where I would like to live, where I demand above all else that I may go fishing, drift about in a boat, see ruins of Gothic fortifications, and find among the wheat fields a church, like Saint-André-des-Champs, monumental, rustic, and golden as a haystack; and the cornflowers, the hawthorns, the apple trees that I still happen, when travelling, to come upon in the fields, because they are situated at the same depth, on the level of my past, communicate immediately with my heart. And yet, because places have something individual about them, when I am seized by the desire to see the Guermantes way again, you would not satisfy it by taking me to the bank of a river where the water lilies were just as beautiful, more beautiful than in the Vivonne, any more than on my return home in the evening - at the hour when there awakened in me that anguish which later emigrates into love, and may become forever inseparable from it - I would have wished that the mother who came to say goodnight to me would be more beautiful and more intelligent than my own. No; just as what I needed so that I could go to sleep happy, with that untroubled peace which no mistress has been able to give me since that time because one doubts them even at the moment one believes in them, and can never possess their hearts as I received in a kiss my mother's heart, complete, without the reservation of an afterthought, without the residue of an intention that was not for me - was that it should be her, that she should incline over me that face marked below the eye by something which was, it seems, a blemish, and which I loved as much as the rest, so what I want to see again is the Guermantes way that I knew, with the farm that is not very far from the two that come after pressed so close together, at the entrance to the avenue of oaks; those meadows on which, when the sun turns them reflective as a pond, the leaves of the apple trees are sketched, that landscape whose individuality sometimes, at night in my dreams, clasps me with an almost uncanny power and which I can no longer recover when I wake up. No doubt, by virtue of having forever indissolubly united in me different impressions merely because they had made me experience them at the same time, the Mégélise way and the Guermantes way exposed me, for the future, to many disappointments and even to many mistakes. For often I have wanted to see a person again without discerning that it was simply because she reminded me of a hedge of hawthorns, and I have been led to believe, to make someone else believe, in a revival of affection, by what was simply a desire to travel. But because of that very fact, too, and by persisting in those of my impressions of today to which they may be connected, they give them foundations, depth, a dimension lacking from the others. They add to them, too, a charm, a meaning that is for me alone. When on summer evenings the melodious sky growls like a wild animal and everyone grumbles at the storm, it is because of the Mégélise way that I am the only one in ecstasy inhaling, through the noise of the falling rain, the smell of invisible, enduring lilacs.

Marcel Proust, In Search of Lost Time

小聰明

把淚水看成流星　不言不語都是好風景
永遠離開了的臉孔永遠年輕
把擁擠當做溫馨　就靠這一點點小聰明
對一天一地的裂痕閉上眼睛

誰的心　都沒有毛病
你的話　都像曼陀鈴
好容易就得意忘形　笑個不停 OH......LA......

把蒼白看成水晶　故意讓愛恨不太分明
對你好卻不要讓你受寵若驚
把真實當做夢境　愛你需要一點小聰明
對不夠完美的東西閉上眼睛

王菲「小聰明」

女皇話，這首歌0岩我；又話「近得你多的其中一個結果是將『被人話無聊』當讚美。」

又一個小鬼頭

再不喜歡《愛‧誘‧罪》的匠氣、做作和結構失衡，還是不得不覺得前半部的 poignancy 充滿神采。一切無非歸功於集世故與天真、冷峻與稚氣於一身的幼年 Briony ，小演員 Saoirse Ronan 眉目間並且刻記著作家的敏銳和神經質，令我幾乎相信小時候的張愛玲大抵亦是這般──因此實在很難接受日後這個女孩竟然「寫出」格調平庸的 Atonement，也很難接受她結尾通俗劇一般在電視螢幕前「懺悔」，說一堆感傷濫情的話。請勿誤會，我並不是不覺得幼年 Briony 的言行沒有對人構成傷害，只是那夾雜愛慾、妒忌和對性的迷亂的想像而來的「惡念」，惡得懾人心弦，那樣富文學的魅力，而 Briony 的的成長心態又那麼複雜和充滿糾結，本來正是電影的魅力所在；假如一切舖排只是為了誇大一對戀人所受的「苦難」，和帶出往後的「贖罪」和「懺悔」，無疑是浪費了前半段苦心經營的迷離氣氛。嗯嗯，當然人家連書名都叫「贖罪」，其意甚明，我這樣說可謂緣木求魚。（參考舒琪：一次過失，抱憾終生）

這小鬼給我的印象是幽閉古肅，今晚首映的《誘心唔怕遲》（ I Could Never be Your Woman ）裡，她卻以截然不同的風格登場。假如十年前 Natalie Portman 在唇上塗滿蔻丹引吭高唱 "Like a virgin, touched for the very first time…" 令你有性和戀童的聯想，這一次 Saoirse Ronan 狂歌熱舞對著鏡子唱 "Oops I'm gonna sing more, and dance like a who~~re"（"Oops I did it again" 的旋律）的 homage ，則惹來爆笑居多（看過她在《愛‧誘‧罪》的演出，會覺得特別惹笑），然而一樣艷光四射！完全撇除陰鬱，傻傻戇戇帶來更大驚喜，堪與老辣的媽媽 Michelle Pfeiffer 相較量，不不，老實說她已搶盡阿媽鏡。同阿媽討價還價爭論幾時可以失身──其實才剛剛第一次來月經，嘴裡又 whore 又 sex ，細路女其實明白多少呀？最興奮原來是跟同伴玩電話惡作劇和披件黑紗「扮女巫」，一天到晚發戀愛夢念念有詞同阿媽報告當日的追仔進度，語調老練但分明還是個徹頭徹尾的小豆丁：渴望成長，充滿困惑──但正正因為置身一場鬧劇，一切可以舉重若輕，憑嬉笑獲得抒解。不要以為演來容易，沒幾個小孩懂得捉摸這種吊詭的堪玩味處，分分鐘不是過份老積（早熟）便是太 cutie ，唯有 Saoirse Ronan 自然到得人驚。新 project 是改編法國同名暢銷小說的 The Lovely Bones ──話時話她的一臉雀斑老讓我想到 Ludivine Sagnier ── YO!

幼稚但又好識錫阿媽，計數不理章法但求答中──難得阿媽又好支持：「我個女有她獨得一套思考方式！」我深信女皇將來如果有個女兒，她們會似足這對母女！